Hi Beautiful One,
I did it...I reached the finished line. Grad school is over and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I'm not sure which step I take next. I have been in school for such a long time. There's something scary about the freedom and growth of time coming. I have been defined for so long by homework, projects, and late night essays. Now, there's...nothing.
Everyone says "congratulations" and "you've accomplished so much, but there's something missing. There's something I still long to learn. School has been a great crutch to run from seeking what binds the strands of my DNA together. I've been sitting with myself a lot more than I already do. Something special happened on my way to work....I sang...I mean I really belted something proper. I heard my voice and cried. Every morining I wake up, my acoustic guitar I bought almost ten years ago stares at me. I hear lyrics throughout my day.
I thought that living was going on these grand advetures. I thought investing in myself was another degree. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my Masters, Bachelors, and Associates degrees, but I think along the way I forgot about what existed before academia. I forgot what lives and breathes inside of me everyday. The thing I can't let go of. The thing that doesn't need school books, TSA precheck, nor a lot of money in the bank.
What if living isn't how many countries we can visit? What if our version of living is our way of keeping up with everyone else? What if true living is investing in the piece of our souls we fear. The music. The poetry. The writing. The dancing. What if in order to live we must face what and who we are without everything and anything? What if the existence that we run from gives us the freedom our souls beg for? Maybe it's the thing that makes us cry when we share, that can help us feel like we are flying when in reality we've been falling all along.
I think it's time to truly invest in ourselves...myself...and here's how:
run into the pain
What if the pain is trying to turn you around? What if it is a way for your brain to deter you from facing the thing that makes you "you"? That thing that you're not great at, doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. What if you gave it more? More effort? More of yourself?
time will heal you
Give yourself this time. Believe it or not, even the Bible tells us there's time for pain. This process is going to happen whether we like it or not. My Apostle says, "what you don't deal with will deal with you." It's time. It's time to give yourself your best chance, but remember this will take time.
put the blinders on
Comparison is the thief of all joy. It doesn't matter what everyone else can do. It doesn't matter who makes millions doing what you do. What if it was never about that? What if investing in this is the freedom you need to take a full breath. The money was never the prize. YOU are the prize and this is how you unwrap it beyond your pain. Why stop being who you were made to be because others are doing something similar?
I love music, and lyrics, and I'm so tired of not owning that. I'm going to do it. I'm going to sing again, I don't care how bad it is. I am going to rap again. I'm going to learn that damn guitar because every day I think about it. Every day it nags, paws, and claws at me. My heart years for it. My soul begs for it. So, I'll invest in myself, truly invest in myself...and you should too.
I love you,
G.E.M. Stone
Comments