Hello, Beautiful One,
There are many recurring truths in my life, some that I do my best to avoid because accepting them means I have to accept I have no control. I often live in a simulated reality. Inside my head, there are a thousand and one possibilities and what plays out is never what I believed to be. Translation: my imagination takes over quite often. Call it being a writer or my desire to be an actor, but it takes me away from the present. It takes me away from dealing with things maturely.
There's nothing scarier to me than uncharted territory, even more so something I can't understand. Through therapy and possibly too much self-reflection I have realized if I can understand something I can control it. If I can control it, I can dictate the outcome. As you can see, there lies the problem. I play out these wonderful scenarios in my head of just enough conflict, but ever too much to make me want to run because the reality of things is often larger.
I've learned to be flexible with life, trusting God to lead me in the things that deal with me, but love...that's a different story altogether. In my head love is just cheesy enough to be a hallmark original, but real enough to cut out the bad plot holes. Everything is a science in those fantasies. The right inflection in the voice as the male lead professing his love to the woman who he abandoned. The sequence between a pause and tears in the eyes. It's beautiful...but it's not real.
All this to say, for a long time there's been a tug on my heart. A fantasy that I play out where I am "the" guy. I know people say, I know loves in my life would say, "You don't have to be perfect." But I'm beginning to think that fantasy isn't so much a fantasy as it is a true desire. I want to have myself together. I want love in the best ways to resonate from my best self and I'm sorry I just haven't reached that yet. I used to be the person that believed in working on myself during a relationship, but now I don't think I can do that anymore. My heart goes back to one, it always goes back to one, and every time I think about it...I am reminded of where I was in life each time. I don't want to fantasize anymore. I want to create what I see in my head.
In our quest to live inside of the adventures in our heads, we fail to see the goodness of the story unfolding in front of us. We forget that we all are on our hero’s journey to be tested and rise above adversity. We see our reality as sand: coarse, rough, hard to deal with but the design for sand castles exists in our minds. Meaning the same hands that created the circumstance are the same hands that can create our fantasies. We just have to be willing to do the work.
So, how do we do this?
Stay present
Yes, I understand that this is easier said than done. I overthink EVERYTHING, but the longer you live in your head the less time you're tackling what's happening today. I've been using this trick when I start to fantasize. I find something in the "now" and describe it to myself. Use as many details as possible and you'll find yourself back in reality.
Write The Vision down
I don't think there's anything wrong with our fantasies, especially the ones that tug at our hearts. There's a version of you that lives freely in your head, but not in the real world, why not create that? You've never been too old or too young to reinvent and unlearn. Write down what you want and who you want to be. Hold on to the vision with dear life because it's your heart on paper. It's that important.
Hurry Up and Wait
The hardest part about doing the work...the real work, is the wait. This isn't going to happen in 30 days. Hell, it may not happen in 6 months or the next 365 days, but that doesn't mean your efforts are in vain. You're going to hurt, you're going to struggle, and you are going to fail. It's going to feel like you're drowning on land, but I promise...you want to wait. Nothing worth keeping ever came fast and the story you have will encourage the next person who struggles.
Remember, people like us exist to change the way people think, but the cost...the cost is this fight. We fight to live differently. We choose to break barriers and free ourselves. Be good to yourself. I am here putting one foot in front of the other with you.
I love you,
G.E.M. Stone
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