Hello Beautiful One,
I've been dealing with my 5-year-old self a LOT over the last week or so. Just trying to reassure him as much as possible. It has been a struggle to say the least. In that version of myself, everything looks like danger. Everything is out to get him and he needs to be loud about it. In my usual fashion, I took this as an opportunity to get to the heart of the matter. When nothing is wrong, why does something feel wrong?
I forget what my therapist once told me, like the actual term for it, but I remember him noticing the same thing about me too. He said I am always looking for the boot to drop. I'm always waiting for the pain to come. As we know, the Bible tells us that trouble will come, but we don't have to live in constant fear and worry. So, why was my inner child in such a panic all week? Because nothing was wrong. There's no conflict, no drama, no major catastrophe that required me to up my heart rate and get to work. Everyday was just another day and that freaked him the hell out.
So, how did I deal with Little G.E.M.? I put some actions and sayings in place
sit with your emotions
I've been walking down to the beach, just listening to worship music and talking to God but one day when I got there I let it all out. I sat there looking at the water in peace and sobbed my eyes out. I let that 5-year-old boy just cry his eyes out. I held him. God held him. And I didn't stop until it was all out. I sat with my high anxiety, my fear, my fight or flight mode until my body and mind could accept that everything was okay.
failure is an option
I let him know that we failed so many times to get here. All of the pain came from taking the risks and there's more coming. After all these years, I've been granted to chance to just have a stable life. Not emotional bouts, just peace of mind, and with that peace of mind comes opportunities. In this calm, take chances and make adjustments when failure comes. Failure is an option that grants us my insight into the road ahead. So fail hard and fail often.
You are worthy of this
I could feel myself trembling as I wrapped my arms around myself. I knew everything in me thought I didn't deserve to be at peace. There's aways the next great emotional feat I need to complete or the next war I need to fight, but in that moment I became calm enough to accept the calm. I stopped denying myself of this time in my life and have started to look forward to the next moment that comes.
Stability can often look and feel like boredom for those of us who are accustomed to chaos. When you have lived in a constant state of fight or flight, the calm feels like a nightmare. It's easy to feel like we are not worth another day being another day, but who said that? That's not the voice you were born with, that's the voice you were taught. A deep breath isn't a deep breath because of the air you take in, it's deep because of the freedom you have to take it. So, take it. Enjoy it. Because you're worth it and you have always been.
I love you,
G.E.M. Stone
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